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Emma is the youngest of our five children. Emma got the lions share of personal growth. Our journey was rocky at times and we have had kids move out earlier than anticipated. We have had one son choose to drop out of school and yet another not give us any trouble and get good grades and then we have Emma.

Emma seems wiser than her years. She is outgoing. Not afraid to talk to people. She makes sound decisions and is a responsible human being in not only her work, in her behavior, speech and thinking. She is a leader of self. When she has conflict she resolves it. She doesn’t allow others to pull her down. She comes from a place of ownership.

So what did we do differently? A few things. We changed our thinking. It is the most important thing to do. We said the same thing only we didn’t. What? We said the exact same things to Emma that we did to the other kids, only it was different. We said yes a lot more.  If she asked to go to a friends, we said, sure as soon as your chores are complete, you can go. To the older kids we said, no, you didn’t do your chores and you are not going any where.

See the difference?

You want your kids to grow up to be and have more in their life? Be the example. BE – Do – Have

What can a smelly old goose teach you about leadership?
by Michelle Shelton

In the 1990’s we lived on a farm in Iowa. Since I grew up in the country, I thought I knew everything there was to know about country living. Imagine my surprise at learning something life changing from a couple of old geese! When we obtained the farm I wanted to have the full experience so I began to collect animals. We acquired cats, dogs, chickens, an old horse, guineas and the pair of geese. I recall the wisdom that came from the animals. One such piece of wisdom was on leadership.

Leadership can be applied to our families, friends, business associates, co-workers and relatives. True leaders are not born, as we are often taught. True leaders are developed. True leaders find out what others want and then they weigh the best solution to create a win / win situation. Leaders face the challenges head-on and don’t whine, ‘It’s too hard.’ They take the time and energy required to develop their character, skills, philosophies, attitudes, and goals and then? Then they allow these things to be their guiding force. Fine leaders understand that others look up to them. They grasp the concept of this immense responsibility and joyfully take on the task. Good, bad or ugly.

So, how can a smelly pair of hissing geese teach you more about leadership? Well, on the farm we owned 4 acres of woods and at night it was crawling with opossum, raccoons and coyotes. Of course that meant that each night all the feathered animals would have to be secured in the chicken coop. The chickens and guineas didn’t have a problem with going in at night. The geese? Well, they were another story! The geese were stubborn. They had ideas of their own. They did not want to be told what to do. Does this sound like anyone you know?

Each evening all five kids, two dogs and I would do the ritual goose dance where we would chase the geese with big sticks, brooms and any other intimidating item we could find. We would attempt to forcibly push and shoo them into the chicken coop. At times my husband would strategically suggest some new technique. Yet, NOTHING worked! Barking, yelling and honking were standard sounds during the ritual goose dance. Finally we would manage to circle and herd the geese to the chicken coop door. They would reluctantly jump over the threshold and we would quickly and angrily slam the door shut behind them while shouting angry words and stomping toward the house. The geese were not happy, the kids were not happy, I was

not happy.

The geese began to consume my thoughts. What motivated these stinking, stupid, stubborn birds? Why did they have such a mind of their own and why were they so well, you know difficult? Didn’t they realize it was for their own protection and we were attempting to do what was best for them? After all, we KNEW what would happen if they stayed out at night. They would be goose dinner for some prowling animal in the woods. I don’t blame them. I know I don’t like to be told what to do! Pushing someone never works. No one likes to give up his or her freedom and ideas. Even if you realize something they don’t realize and it is for their own good. It doesn’t matter.

Then it dawned on me that perhaps..just perhaps, the geese were like people. Yeah.maybe they had a mind and personality of their own. Maybe I needed to find out what they wanted. When I showed them how to get it, they would actually WANT to go into the coop. Maybe I could LEAD them! It was time to get creative!

That evening I opened a bag of corn and spilled a few kernels in front of the geese. They quickly waddled over and gobbled it up. I had found the answer! Woo Hoo! I was in front of them.I was leading them. They were following me! I took the corn and kernel by kernel, they followed me right into the coop. Up and over the threshold like it was their idea. I guess it was!

I ran out and slammed the door shut and this time, I smiled! No cursing, no anger. I was happy! I took my stick and danced around with it you know John Travolta style. STAYIN ALIVE, STAYIN ALIVE.AH AH AH AH.STAYIN ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE. Living on a farm means no close neighbors monitoring your behavior so you tend to be well, let’s say more you know uninhibited. Of course as I looked up, the kids were standing there looking at me. Oh well. I had just learned the power of leadership from a couple of stupid, hissing, stinking, annoying birds! I was so happy!

From that moment on the geese were led in each night. I was even able to teach my children to be leaders. What a concept. Teaching others leadership. Leadership is a skill. Skills can be learned you don’t have to be born a leader. If you want to become a strong leader, ask yourself, these questions:

What motivates your associates, employees and team members?
Are you attempting to get what YOU want by pushing or do you take time to find out what THEY want and then show them how to get it?
Are you bossing your team members or are you leading them in the right direction?
Are you creatively designing situations where everyone wins?
You never know, someday they might even thank you. After all anything is possible when you develop leadership skills!

Parenting Babies was Easy Work!
by Michelle Shelton

I remember when I had babies and I thought it was oh so much work! Diapers, laundry, meals, baths, dressing, feeding, eating….ahhhhhhhh.

Parenting babies is EASY!

Now, fast forward 14 years or so. My youngest is about to turn 14. The oldest just turned 24. That means for at least 10-12 years I was in this mode of cooking, cleaning, dressing, feeding, cleaning and well..you get the picture. At the time I remember feeling tired. I was tired all the time. I felt like a slave must feel.

Looking back, those were the best years of my life! As children get older they are much more difficult work. They create a need for mind work. Now my body is tired because my mind has to be on all the time and it that takes a lot more energy than mindless cleaning and cooking!

Would you think that parenting ends at say, 18? Or maybe when they get out of college? That would seem reasonable, right? Doesn’t seem to be so. My 24 year old is constantly calling and asking for things and she will tap into her winning formula of having a fit when she doesn’t get what she wants. Interesting. Of course I have some responsibility in this because if it didn’t work in some way, she wouldn’t use it. *sigh*

Now you can see what I mean when I say mind work. The issue is, now when I am starting to figure out how to parent effectively, my kids are much older. If only I had been privey to this information when they were little. The good news? I am going to share my parenting ideas and concepts with you so you can do something different to create a different future.

The real work has just begun for me! Isn’t that exciting?

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Learn to be a better parent from a dog?
by Michelle Shelton

I think as humans we have so much to learn from animals. My dog, Sophie, had five pups on December 18, 2009. They are cute of course. They are puppies after all.

If only I would trust myself that I have the answers like Sophie does. I was so concerned when she was about to deliver that she wouldn’t know what to do. From a human perspective, it seems disgusting…eating the placenta, chewing through the umbilical cord. I wanted to save her from having to do this stuff. She would have none of it! She knew exactly what to do and she did it with style. She kept her pups very, very clean. She cared for them and the first week, she didn’t leave their side.

Parenting from a dog

The second week she would feed them and then leave them for short periods. She still stayed close to them. If anyone went back to look at them she kept a watchful eye. After all their eyes weren’t even open yet!

The third week she fed them and then would stay away from them the majority of the time. The kids made comments about what a bad mother she was. Hmmm. I found this interesting. I reminded them that as a mother it is our job to allow you do learn to do things for yourselves. It often meant watching you make mistakes so that you can learn the ways of the world. Not bailing you out of situations that you can figure out yourself.

As the pups got bigger I brought them into my office and used a baby pool for them to play and run in during the day. I saw how they depended on each other and how Sophie encouraged that. They were really whining one day and she went and got my daughters stuffed animal and put it in with them and then left them again. I could see that she would stay close and watch them until they would comfort themselves and go to sleep. She didn’t rock them and sing and create a dependency for sleep…she allowed them to learn to comfort themselves.

This was amazing to me. As a mother to five children, I have made all the mistakes. Some bigger than others. I love all of my children. I simply can see what worked and what didn’t work. I can see a huge difference between the way I parented the older children compared to the way I parented the younger children.

I think Sophie is an excellent mother. She is the perfect blend between loving and harsh. My husband calls it pure instinct. I suppose he is right about a dog. The thing I want to know…why as humans do we question our own answers? I wonder.

So, I leave you with this…I have these puppies for sale…how many do you want?

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With my first son, Phillip, we had a great Pediatrician from India. This man was very gentle with babies and you could tell when he held a baby that he loved children. When my son was a few days old, this doctor told me something that I had a difficult time grasping at first. He said, “Don’t wipe your baby’s bottom every time you change the diaper.”

This seemed foreign to me. I listened but I walked away thinking he didn’t know what he was talking about. I was under the impression that I was to clean that baby thoroughly every time I changed him.

Well, I set out to do just what the doctor told me; after all, he was the expert and I was a new mom! I realized somewhere along the line that the doctor was right. The only time I would wipe the baby’s bottom was when he had a bowel movement never when he was wet. Looking back I realized how wise that doctor really was. He understood that the PH of the baby’s skin was the same as the acid in the urine. Rubbing the baby’s sensitive skin 9 or 10 times a day, coupled with the constant PH change was a sure cause of a sore baby bottom. The urine didn’t cause a diaper rash, the wiping did! There was one other culprit that would cause a rash and that was a bowel movement.

With 5 children over several years, I can tell you that diaper rash honestly did not happen at our house. I attribute this to a quick and immediate change with diaper wipes whenever there was a bowel movement and NO wiping baby’s bottom when there wasn’t a bowel movement. Over the years I received many snide comments from on-lookers and well-intentioned friends and family but I would happily report to them that it was the doctor’s orders! What could they say to that?

To wipe or not to wipe must be a personal decision and I will leave you with this bit of “only wiping with bowel movement” information to do with what you will. One more thing though, after years of dealing with doctors, I wish I could tell you that they were all “experts” and that you should always do exactly everything they say, unfortunately, I have not found this to be true. I have found that there are some really good doctors out there and even then you should use your best judgment when dealing you’re your child.

While we are on the subject of baby bottoms and baby wipes, you might want to use this recipe. I made these wipes for over 5 years and always had them on hand. They were easy and saved a lot of money and my husband and I always felt they were just as good as the store brand!

Home Made Baby Wipes
If you go to a second hand store you can pick up an electric knife for about $3 and use it to cut your paper towels in half the short way. I tried other paper towels that were cheaper than Bounty and they would fall apart and mold if you left them in the container, so stick with Bounty for best results.

• ½ Roll of Bounty paper towels
• 1-Cup Water
• 1 TBS baby oil
• 2 TBS baby shampoo or baby bath of your choice
• Rubbermaid cylinder type container or old baby wipe container.

Mix all liquid ingredients in cylinder container. Remove outside plastic and inner cardboard tube from paper towels and place them in the container and put the lid on tight. Flip container over and wait until towels are thoroughly saturated. Pull wipes from middle.

Happy wiping!

© 2003 by Michelle Shelton. All rights reserved

About the Author
Michelle Shelton is an author, parenting coach, parent consultant, acclaimed public speaker, and Arizona Real Estate Agent and parent educator. Michelle is the author of the well known column Life with all these Kids. Visit her web site www.boldtalent.com or contact her at 480-577-8272.

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Hidden Parenting Messages in Disney’s Finding Nemo?
by Michelle Shelton, Communication Coach

In the movie, Finding Nemo, Nemo’s father, Marlyn asks the sea turtle, “Dude, how do you know when they are ready?”

How do you know when your kids are ready?

This is an interesting question that many parents would like to know. How DO you know when your children are ready to take on tasks for themselves? The only way to know if your children are ready for something is to test them. In the movie you may remember Nemo being in the fish tank and becoming stuck in the air tube, all of the other fish wanted to rescue Nemo from a certain death. All except Gil. Gil could see that Nemo was perfectly

capable of getting out of the tube for himself. Nemo on the other hand was told his entire life by his father that he couldn’t swim well because he had a bad fin. Nemo promptly relayed this message to Gil. Yet Gil didn’t buy it. He could see that Nemo could indeed save himself and he told him so. So what could Nemo do? Nothing. Nothing that is except perform. He had to save himself because he had no other choice. He had to get out of the air tube himself or he would die. When put to the test by Gil, Nemo passed with flying colors. He got himsel

f out of the air tube and quickly realized that he COULD do it himself. Gil instantly gave Nemo the gift of self-accomplishment and confidence that his father had unintentionally robbed Nemo of his entire life.

Children often tell their parents that they can’t perform certain tasks because children know that their parents will bail them out. Someone is always selling and someone is always buying. When your children are selling you on what they can’t do, are you buying? Or do you sell them on what they CAN do?

As parents we must realize that our children need to be tested in order to grow. We must allow them to fail on the little things and be there to pick them up when they fall. This is how they learn. This is how they grow.

Nemo’s Father Taught us Failure is Necessary for Success!

I think the way you know they are ready is to train them to do a task and then teach them why it is important to be able to do it themselves and then turn them lose and allow them some room to fail. That’s right, I said fail. My father once told me that failure was necessary for success. “Don’t worry about failure,” he said, “just make sure you fail forward.”
In order for children to develop properly we must allow them room to grow and not do everything for them. Anything you do for your children that they can do for themselves will cripple them. I find it interesting that Nemo had a crippled fin and wonder if he was crippled because his father never allowed him to swim very far from home because of the dangers of the ocean. Nemo’s father was so overprotective of him that he didn’t give him the skills necessary to develop confidence and the life skills he needed to deal with the dangers of the ocean.

This is the type of parenting that creates children that never learn to get themselves out of a jam. These children become very dependent on others to bail them out of every situation. These children grow into dependent adults. Not only do they become extremely dependent on others, they have very little confidence in themselves and their own abilities and often lead a chaotic life.

It is difficult to know when we are being too protective of our children and to know when we must step in and rescue them. I suggest that parents not only train their children how to do something but also give them the “why” behind the training so they instill it in their mind. We must train AND teach them about the world so they can learn to make good decisions when we are not there to bail them out.

Nemo continued…Are You too Protective? If so, what can you do?

When you watch the movie, Finding Nemo, you will notice that Nemo’s father protected him from anything that might be potentially dangerous. In doing so, he never taught little Nemo how to deal with the dangers he might face in the world. This would be like never allowing our children to cross the street unless we were with them because a car may hit them. At some point we must train them how to do it and then teach them why it is important to follow this training. Then we simply must trust them enough to allow them to try it on their own.

Perhaps you have been overprotecting your children. How can you change? First ask yourself. Can he do this himself? Is he at the point he can be trained how to do this? Why should he do this himself? This is the only hope of giving your children confidence in their own abilities and making them independent of you. After all, your job as a parent is to teach your children to be independent of you, not dependent on you!

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Having the Sex Talk with your Pre-Teens? Yikes!
By Michelle Shelton

You want tips on talking to your preteens about sex? What if I told you don’t wait until they are preteens? There is a lot of risk in talking to them early as you will see in this article. However, this method has worked well. I have five children and it has worked with every last one of them! This is one of those true stories that you might question. I was there. Much to my mortified dismay, it did happened. So if you are willing to take a risk, these may be the best tips yet to talking to your preteen about sex.

So, my first question to you is this, do you know the difference between a peenie and a jina? I am not even sure how to spell it. Perhaps it would be Gyna? None the less, my two year old son knew how to say it and he did not mind sharing it with the world! I was one of those parents that insisted on honestly with the children all the way through their childhood, starting at birth.

How do some people spend time with their children from the time they are born and yet thie topic of sex doesn’t come up in conversation? How exactly does that work? Or perhaps some parents just avoid the topic altogether and change the subject when it does come up because they are not willing to get creative? No matter what it is, it is my opinion that sex is not something that difficult to talk about WHEN you start talking to them about it when they are very young. I didn’t avoid answering sex questions with my children so I don’t know the answer for you. I only know it for me.

From the time all five of my kids were toddlers we talked about sex. Well…sort of. It was right in line with everything else they were taught.

For the boys, it was proper aiming at the Cheerios I threw in the toilet and then said, “Sink em boys”.

I always have thought a boys’ aim in life is highly important. Especially when I am the boys mother that cleans up after missed targets! For the girls it was showing them feminine products and explaining to them how women have babies and periods.

When my dad had open heart surgery in 1992, my mom, sister, young daughter, two young boys and me spent a lot of time in the waiting room. As we became more comfortable in the waiting room, we sort of made it our own. We moved chairs in obtuse angles and rolled out the portable playpen. Soon, the waiting room seemed like “our room” and we became engrossed in our own little world and conversations.

My son Phillip was about 23 months old and talking pretty good. His brother was a newborn. Phillip toddled around the room and as my sister and I were having a conversation, I overheard Phillip’s small voice, quite boldly, behind me saying, “You gotta PEENIE, you gotta GYNA, you gotta GYNA, GYNA, PEENIE, PEENIE, GYNA. At first I was sort of shocked as I turned around and noticed eight or nine other people sitting in a row of chairs behind us. There was Phillip walking in front of them giving them his toddler version of anatomy.

He would walk in front of a woman, stop, look up at her and touch her knee lightly and then boldly announce, “GYNA.” and then he would walk on and continue the process with the next seated individual. I don’t know who was having more fun, the elderly observers receiving the anatomy lesson or Phillip himself. He danced like John Travolta when one woman smiled and said, “He is so smart. He knows all of our parts just by looking at us!”

You see, from the time Phillip was an infant I would teach him about the differences between men and women and what his parts would be used for when he was a daddy and how they would work. I taught him at his level of learning in simple language. I think I said something like, “When you grow up and you become a daddy, you get to cuddle in a special way with your wife and put a baby inside her body. Boys and daddies have penises and girls and mommies have vagina’s. As he grew he would ask deeper questions. I would give him deeper answers, the answers he needed, when he needed it. It is my opinion that there is no cookie cutter way to do this as some children don’t ask as many questions. Some children simply don’t ask questions that often. It is totally based on the individual child and their level of curiosity.

One thing I do remember was living in Nebraska my grandmother always grew the big, round pink flowers called Peonies. One day Phillip was a bit confused when I mentioned the big, round Peonies growing in her yard in front of her home.

He said, “Do GYNAS grow in the yard too?”

That question took some creative explaining on my part. His fears were quickly eased with my answer and all was good once again in his active little mind.

Another incident happened while waiting at Target to get photos of the kids. At the time I only had Marie and my sons Phillip and Sam. I was pregnant with Josephine, who is number four. It had been a long and stressful day with all the kids and being pregnant didn’t help. There were mothers spitting on their hands and wiping their children’s hair into place. There were crying babies, wild toddlers and frustrated amateur photographers running around the waiting room.

Marie is my oldest and she always has been quite on top of things when it comes to being in tune to adults conversations about grown up stuff. I suspect what happened next was the consequence of some such adult conversation she had overheard previously. The longer we waited and the more the woman next to me wiped her babies green, boogered nose, it was apparent I was getting quite annoyed. At least it must have been because Marie, who had run to the other side of the room to look at picture frames, quickly turned around and looked at me and loudly yelled, “Mom, is this one of those days you wanna get your tubes tied?” To say I was mortified is an understatement.

So, as a mother to five, nearly grown children, my advice to you is this…don’t wait until your kids are almost a teenager before you have the sex talks. Teach them about their bodies and all their working parts their entire life and neither of you will have anxiety when your kids reach their awkward stage. Once you choose to have the talks, one word of caution: Stay out of waiting rooms where you will be idle for long periods of time and if you must wait with others, be ready for what could come out of your child’s mouth!

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Empathetic or Sympathetic? What kind of a parent are you?
by Michelle Shelton

You are responsible for your children’s health in many different forms, spiritual, physical, mental, emotional and behavioral. As parents, we have to cover a lot of ground and not get too caught up in the total protection of our children at all times. On the other hand you don’t want to neglect your children and expose them to unnecessary dangers either. You know, being a parent is hard work and it is a fine line that we must walk all the time.

Different people handle situations differently. When your child is facing a problem how do you handle the situation? Do you consider yourself sympathetic to their problems? If so, you may be a sympathetic parent or you may be an empathetic parent. Do you know the difference between empathetic and sympathetic? Most of us probably have not given it a lot of thought. Allow me to explain the difference and than decide if you are a sympathetic parent or an empathetic parent. One of these is very damaging to your children. Do you know which one?

Think about this, if your child fell into an old abandon well and you heard his cries, you would naturally run to the well and peer in. Your child would be very frightened in the dark and he may be injured, he could even die! As a good parent you of course want to help your child right away.

Now, if you are sympathetic you share the exact same feelings as your child. You are frightened and you can easily become traumatized when you look at the situation as a whole. As a matter of fact, a sympathetic parent would jump right into that well with the child and become part of the problem! Now there are two people in the well suffering with little hope. This is not a good way to be and it stems from parenting with your emotions. It produces children that are very dependent and insecure. They don’t learn effective problem solving and as they get older their lessons are severe because they tend to make decisions on their emotions.

An empathetic parent on the other hand, understands how the child must be extremely frightened and knows that the child might be injured and could die if something is not done quickly. As a matter of fact, an empathetic parent would look around and decide the fastest and most efficient way to get the child out of the well. An empathetic parent does not become part of the child’s problem; he becomes part of the solution. This is a great way to parent. When you become part of the solution for your children and you will become a partner in problem solving, a teacher, a mentor, a friend.

© 2003 by Michelle Shelton. All rights reserved
Michelle Shelton is an Author, Parenting Coach, Parent Consultant, Public Speaker, and Parent Educator. Michelle is the author of the well known column ‘Life with all these Kids’. Visit her web site www.myahha.com or www.boldtalent.com and you can contact her at 480-577-8272.