About a year ago I was driving with my daughter. At the time she was 14 years old. She had most definitely gotten the lions share of personal growth over the years. The reason I want to share this with you is because it is the philosophy I teach. You know the line I use…be the change you want to see in your children because your children will be who you are…yeah…that line.

So, we are driving and my daughter is telling me about her day and she starts telling me about one of her close friends. She seems concerned. She said the girl has a lot of problems at home and she seems sad about her parents. I ask her what the deal is with her parents. She explains that they live together yet they fight all the time and don’t really like each other. Apparently the dad has a girlfriend. I continued to be a good listener.

She went on to say that the girl seemed to be “dating” and hanging out with alot of boys recently and she was doing “stuff” with the boys. I asked her what “stuff” and she just said, “you know, stuff.” I decided not to push it.

She seemed concerned yet not super attached to this girl and her situation. I saw this as healthy. I could see she was looking at the situation as a whole to decide what she wanted from the friendship. I was proud of her. I could see her problem solving showing at such a high level. She seemed to be concerned about her friend yet, realized she had no control over her friends decisions. It wasn’t about her.

Finally I said, “What are you going to do?”

She tipped her head a bit and said, “I have already talked to her about it. She isn’t listening to me.” She stated.

She then continued. “You know…you are the five people you hang out with, so, she is free to make her choices.”

She paused as if she was thinking about it. “I don’t think I will have her in my circle though. I will wish her well and keep going. That is not what I want in my life. I’m not mad at her or anything, I just don’t want that.” She stopped and turned to look at me.

“Wow. You are an awesome kid.” I said.

“Thanks mom.” She said.

That was it! There was no more talk about it. No drama. It was interesting to me. She didn’t feel bad about herself for not pursuing a relationship that she could see wouldn’t work for her. She didn’t beat the girl up verbally. She didn’t feel a need to rescue her either. She saw her friend as capable of making a choice and she also saw herself capable of making a choice.

After years of work on myself, I know how long it took me to get this concept. Number one, people are always deciding if they want to play this game called life with me. Number two, I am also deciding if I want to play with them.

If you had asked me years ago if I operated from Win / Win, I would have said yes. What I have realized is that is not the truth. I often put myself last. I set it up so other people win and then I go victim to how I have set it up. I have taken from myself. I take the back seat and “give” of myself. The thing is…it isn’t really giving. It is taking from me. It is with an expectation. No one else will take care of me. I have to take care of me.

I realized that personal growth is what parents are really looking for. After all, you are the five people you hang out with. If I want my kids to be like me…I will want to grow me. I know because I did it with Emma.

By Michelle Shelton, Parenting Coach
Keys2Kids.com

Does your toddler run away from you? Does he run into the street at times or run towards it, nearly giving you a heart attack? All mothers have felt the panic of seeing their little guy sprinting toward the street! My mother used to say; “you’ll die a million deaths before you get em raised”.

I often see mothers chasing their toddlers. The little guy is charging wildly toward the street and the mother has a frightened look in her eye. Once she catches Jr. she usually has some harsh words for him and in turn, he giggles and attempts to wiggle away from her. She might even give him a little swat on his diapered bottom to let him know she really means business. The mother then calms down because, after all, he is still a just a baby.

What are you supposed to do as a mother?

Let’s start with a question. What is your job as a mother? Is it to simply protect your child from harm? To feed him, clothe him and take care of his needs? Since the role of a mother is not clearly defined in our culture, we think mothers are supposed to love our child. Period. That’s it. Loving them means taking care of them and doing everything for them, right? Wrong! Get ready because I am about to define your real role as a mother and I want you to write this down! Your job as a mother is to…….TEACH. That’s it. Teach your children how to get along without you. God gave children a mother for this one thing in mind.

You are saying, yeah, but what about training? Isn’t it my job as a good mother to train my children in the way they should go? Yes and no. Training shows your children “how” to do something. Teaching gives them the reason “why” they do something. It is imperative to teach and not just train.

Jeffery Gitomer said it best when he said, “pretend you have a teenage daughter, do you want her to have sex EDUCATION…or…sex TRAINING? Yikes! When you put it that way, it makes sense, doesn’t it?

When you teach your children, you give them the concrete information they need to make wise decisions on their own. They have to think and decide for themselves. They have the information needed to embrace your reasons in a clear, logical way. It is even more imperative to do this with boys than it is girls because boys are usually more logical.

By now you are thinking I forgot about the toddler in the street. Well, I didn’t. My children never went into the street because I taught them “why” they shouldn’t go in the street. Now I will teach you how to teach your children the same thing.

A TRAINING statement would be, “If you go in the street, you will get hit by a car.” Haven’t most little kids been hit by a brother, sister, playmate, or cousin? If they haven’t personally been hit, they have seen people hit or they have hit others! The point is, no one died. No one wiggled around in severe paid and then disappeared. They know they WILL recover if the car HITS them. Hitting is not life threatening, is it?

Scare Them

Now, let’s do a TEACHING situation. Scare them. Does this go against your motherly instinct? Sorry. Reality is, if they run in front of a car, they are most likely going to die. This is scary. They need to fear the cars. How can you scare your own child you ask? First of all, I am not saying go out and rent a copy of Stephen King’s, “The Car” and show it to your child. I am saying fear is sometimes healthy.

If you go in the street, the cars will eat you!

What is a realistic way to make sure your child would have a healthy fear of cars? When my children were little I had a stroke of genius when I said, If you go in the street, the cars will eat you! Children know about eating. They know that chewing would have to hurt. Most have bitten their own finger hard enough to know it would hurt and hurt BAD. They also know that anything they eat is GONE FOREVER.

Once you learn to develop healthy fears in your child, your child will see that the world is a delightful yet scary place and it does have boundaries that limit all of us. After all, that is the truth. Doesn’t your child deserve the truth?

© 2003 by Michelle Shelton. All rights reserved

About the Author
Michelle Shelton is an author, parenting coach, parent consultant, acclaimed public speaker, and parent educator. Michelle is the author of the well known column Life with all these Kids. www.keys2kids.com or contact her at 480-888-9352 or michelleshelton@yahoo.com.

Babies Online can not garauntee that this statement will keep your child safe – this article is posted as an educational resource only.

Way back in 1998 or 1999 I started to play with making my own website. I built a very crude looking website and my domain name was keys2kids.com I was writing for the newspaper and had my own column writing parenting articles. My column was called Life with all these kids! I enjoyed writing and started to post some of my writings on my new website, keys2kids.com

Pretty soon I was getting emails and all sorts of activity on my site. My articles were showing up all over the web and I really wasn’t sure what I had done to deserve such attention. One thing I knew was I did like it! Now for the bad news. I had a site analyst look at my site and he said I had 64,000 UNIQUE visitors a DAY. Yes, you read that right! I didn’t know what that meant at the time and now I would give my eyeteeth for that kind of traffic. I asked him what this meant…he said, are you kidding me? The average time on your site is nearly 15 minutes! He told me a site was called sticky if someone stayed on it longer than 30 SECONDS. I wasn’t really sure what all this meant but he sure was excited. He wanted to know everything I was doing and how I was doing it.

The thing was, I didn’t really know what I was doing and this hurt me in the end. One day I was going to post a new article on my site and …ut oh. There was no site. I didn’t know what was going on and I called my hosting guy. His wife had recently found out she had cancer and he was pretty consumed with that…understandably so. A few days later I get an email from a gentleman (using this word generously), offering to sell me my domain for $8,000. dollars.

What? I didn’t have $8,000. dollars. I was a stay at home mom with a bunch of kids. How did he come to get my domain in the first place?

Well, it turns out my guy was very consumed with his wife and her illness, he didn’t renew the domain and it expired. I was too green to know what to do or even realize it would expire. And there you have it.

Now for the good news. Recently I went into godaddy and guess what? I took a peek for my old domain name and there it was so I snagged it up!

The next time you are looking for parenting tips and advice, simply type in www.keys2kids.com and come read some of my articles. The kids are bigger and I am sharing results.

Happy parenting!

Emma is the youngest of our five children. Emma got the lions share of personal growth. Our journey was rocky at times and we have had kids move out earlier than anticipated. We have had one son choose to drop out of school and yet another not give us any trouble and get good grades and then we have Emma.

Emma seems wiser than her years. She is outgoing. Not afraid to talk to people. She makes sound decisions and is a responsible human being in not only her work, in her behavior, speech and thinking. She is a leader of self. When she has conflict she resolves it. She doesn’t allow others to pull her down. She comes from a place of ownership.

So what did we do differently? A few things. We changed our thinking. It is the most important thing to do. We said the same thing only we didn’t. What? We said the exact same things to Emma that we did to the other kids, only it was different. We said yes a lot more.  If she asked to go to a friends, we said, sure as soon as your chores are complete, you can go. To the older kids we said, no, you didn’t do your chores and you are not going any where.

See the difference?

You want your kids to grow up to be and have more in their life? Be the example. BE – Do – Have

What can a smelly old goose teach you about leadership?
by Michelle Shelton

In the 1990′s we lived on a farm in Iowa. Since I grew up in the country, I thought I knew everything there was to know about country living. Imagine my surprise at learning something life changing from a couple of old geese!

When we obtained the farm I wanted to have the full experience so I began to collect animals. We acquired cats, dogs, chickens, an old horse, guineas and the pair of geese. I recall the wisdom that came from the animals. One such piece of wisdom was on leadership.

Leadership can be applied to our families, friends, business associates, co-workers and relatives. True leaders are not born, as we are often taught. True leaders are developed. True leaders find out what others want and then they weigh the best solution to create a win / win situation. Leaders face the challenges head-on and don’t whine, ‘It’s too hard.’ They take the time and energy required to develop their character, skills, philosophies, attitudes, and goals and then? Then they allow these things to be their guiding force. Fine leaders understand that others look up to them. They grasp the concept of this immense responsibility and joyfully take on the task. Good, bad or ugly.

So, how can a smelly pair of hissing geese teach you more about leadership? Well, on the farm we owned 4 acres of woods and at night it was crawling with opossum, raccoons and coyotes. Of course that meant that each night all the feathered animals would have to be secured in the chicken coop. The chickens and guineas didn’t have a problem with going in at night. The geese? Well, the geese were another story! The geese were stubborn. The geese had ideas of their own. The geese did not want to be told what to do. Does this sound like anyone you know? A person perhaps?

Each evening all five kids, two dogs and I would do the ritual goose dance where we would chase the geese with big sticks, brooms and any other intimidating item we could find. We would attempt to forcibly push and shoo them into the chicken coop. At times my husband would strategically suggest some new technique to lure the geese into the coop. Yet, NOTHING worked! Barking, yelling and honking were standard sounds during the nightly ritual goose dance. Finally we would manage to circle up and herd the geese to the chicken coop door. They would reluctantly jump over the threshold and we would quickly and angrily slam the door shut behind them while shouting angry words and stomping toward the house. The geese were not happy. The kids were not happy. I was not happy.

The geese began to consume my thoughts. What motivated these stupid, stinking, stubborn birds? Why did they have such a mind of their own?  Why were they so…well, you know difficult? Didn’t they realize it was for their own protection to go into the coop?  We were attempting to do what was best for them,  after all, WE knew what would happen if they stayed out at night. We knew they would be goose dinner for some prowling animal in the woods. I don’t blame them. I know I don’t like to be told what to do!

Pushing someone never works. Pushing these stupid geese didn’t work. No one likes to give up his or her freedom and ideas. Even if you realize something that they don’t realize. Even if you realize it is for their own good. It doesn’t matter.

Then it dawned on me….perhaps..just perhaps….the geese were like people. Yeah. Maybe they had a mind and personality of their own. Maybe. Just maybe,  I needed to find out what the geese wanted. When I showed them how to get what they wanted, they would actually WANT to go into the coop. Maybe I could LEAD them! It was time to get creative!

That evening I opened a bag of corn and spilled a few kernels in front of the geese. They quickly waddled over and gobbled it up. I had found the answer! Woo Hoo!  I was in front of them. I was leading them. They were following me! I took the corn and kernel by kernel, they followed me right into the coop. Up and over the threshold like it was their idea. Well,  I guess it was!

I ran out and slammed the door shut and I smiled! No cursing, no anger. I was happy! I took my stick and danced around with it…you know John Travolta style. STAYIN ALIVE, STAYIN ALIVE.AH AH AH AH.STAYIN ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE.

Living on a farm means no close neighbors monitoring your behavior so you tend to be….well, let’s say more you know uninhibited. Of course as I looked up, the kids were standing there looking at me. Oh well. I had just learned the power of leadership from a couple of stupid, hissing, stinking, annoying birds! I was so happy!

From that moment on the geese were led in each night. I was able to teach my children to be leaders. What a concept. Teaching others leadership. Leadership is a skill. Skills can be learned you don’t have to be born a leader. If you want to become a strong leader, ask yourself, these questions:

What motivates your associates, employees and team members?
Are you attempting to get what YOU want by pushing or do you take time to find out what THEY want and then show them how to get it?
Are you bossing your team members or are you leading them in the right direction?
Are you creatively designing situations where everyone wins?
You never know, someday they might even thank you. After all anything is possible when you develop leadership skills!

Parenting Babies was Easy Work!
by Michelle Shelton

I remember when I had babies and I thought it was oh so much work! Diapers, laundry, meals, baths, dressing, feeding, eating….ahhhhhhhh.

Parenting babies is EASY!

Now, fast forward 14 years or so. My youngest is about to turn 14. The oldest just turned 24. That means for at least 10-12 years I was in this mode of cooking, cleaning, dressing, feeding, cleaning and well..you get the picture. At the time I remember feeling tired. I was tired all the time. I felt like a slave must feel.

Looking back, those were the best years of my life! As children get older they are much more difficult work. They create a need for mind work. Now my body is tired because my mind has to be on all the time and it that takes a lot more energy than mindless cleaning and cooking!

Would you think that parenting ends at say, 18? Or maybe when they get out of college? That would seem reasonable, right? Doesn’t seem to be so. My 24 year old is constantly calling and asking for things and she will tap into her winning formula of having a fit when she doesn’t get what she wants. Interesting. Of course I have some responsibility in this because if it didn’t work in some way, she wouldn’t use it. *sigh*

Now you can see what I mean when I say mind work. The issue is, now when I am starting to figure out how to parent effectively, my kids are much older. If only I had been privey to this information when they were little. The good news? I am going to share my parenting ideas and concepts with you so you can do something different to create a different future.

The real work has just begun for me! Isn’t that exciting?

Learn to be a better parent from a dog?
by Michelle Shelton

I think as humans we have so much to learn from animals. My dog, Sophie, had five pups on December 18, 2009. They are cute of course. They are puppies after all.

If only I would trust myself that I have the answers like Sophie does. I was so concerned when she was about to deliver that she wouldn’t know what to do. From a human perspective, it seems disgusting…eating the placenta, chewing through the umbilical cord. I wanted to save her from having to do this stuff. She would have none of it! She knew exactly what to do and she did it with style. She kept her pups very, very clean. She cared for them and the first week, she didn’t leave their side.

Parenting from a dog

The second week she would feed them and then leave them for short periods. She still stayed close to them. If anyone went back to look at them she kept a watchful eye. After all their eyes weren’t even open yet!

The third week she fed them and then would stay away from them the majority of the time. The kids made comments about what a bad mother she was. Hmmm. I found this interesting. I reminded them that as a mother it is our job to allow you do learn to do things for yourselves. It often meant watching you make mistakes so that you can learn the ways of the world. Not bailing you out of situations that you can figure out yourself.

As the pups got bigger I brought them into my office and used a baby pool for them to play and run in during the day. I saw how they depended on each other and how Sophie encouraged that. They were really whining one day and she went and got my daughters stuffed animal and put it in with them and then left them again. I could see that she would stay close and watch them until they would comfort themselves and go to sleep. She didn’t rock them and sing and create a dependency for sleep…she allowed them to learn to comfort themselves.

This was amazing to me. As a mother to five children, I have made all the mistakes. Some bigger than others. I love all of my children. I simply can see what worked and what didn’t work. I can see a huge difference between the way I parented the older children compared to the way I parented the younger children.

I think Sophie is an excellent mother. She is the perfect blend between loving and harsh. My husband calls it pure instinct. I suppose he is right about a dog. The thing I want to know…why as humans do we question our own answers? I wonder.

So, I leave you with this…I have these puppies for sale…how many do you want?

With my first son, Phillip, we had a great Pediatrician from India. This man was very gentle with babies and you could tell when he held a baby that he loved children. When my son was a few days old, this doctor told me something that I had a difficult time grasping at first. He said, “Don’t wipe your baby’s bottom every time you change the diaper.”

This seemed foreign to me. I listened but I walked away thinking he didn’t know what he was talking about. I was under the impression that I was to clean that baby thoroughly every time I changed him.

Well, I set out to do just what the doctor told me; after all, he was the expert and I was a new mom! I realized somewhere along the line that the doctor was right. The only time I would wipe the baby’s bottom was when he had a bowel movement never when he was wet. Looking back I realized how wise that doctor really was. He understood that the PH of the baby’s skin was the same as the acid in the urine. Rubbing the baby’s sensitive skin 9 or 10 times a day, coupled with the constant PH change was a sure cause of a sore baby bottom. The urine didn’t cause a diaper rash, the wiping did! There was one other culprit that would cause a rash and that was a bowel movement.

With 5 children over several years, I can tell you that diaper rash honestly did not happen at our house. I attribute this to a quick and immediate change with diaper wipes whenever there was a bowel movement and NO wiping baby’s bottom when there wasn’t a bowel movement. Over the years I received many snide comments from on-lookers and well-intentioned friends and family but I would happily report to them that it was the doctor’s orders! What could they say to that?

To wipe or not to wipe must be a personal decision and I will leave you with this bit of “only wiping with bowel movement” information to do with what you will. One more thing though, after years of dealing with doctors, I wish I could tell you that they were all “experts” and that you should always do exactly everything they say, unfortunately, I have not found this to be true. I have found that there are some really good doctors out there and even then you should use your best judgment when dealing you’re your child.

While we are on the subject of baby bottoms and baby wipes, you might want to use this recipe. I made these wipes for over 5 years and always had them on hand. They were easy and saved a lot of money and my husband and I always felt they were just as good as the store brand!

Home Made Baby Wipes
If you go to a second hand store you can pick up an electric knife for about $3 and use it to cut your paper towels in half the short way. I tried other paper towels that were cheaper than Bounty and they would fall apart and mold if you left them in the container, so stick with Bounty for best results.

• ½ Roll of Bounty paper towels
• 1-Cup Water
• 1 TBS baby oil
• 2 TBS baby shampoo or baby bath of your choice
• Rubbermaid cylinder type container or old baby wipe container.

Mix all liquid ingredients in cylinder container. Remove outside plastic and inner cardboard tube from paper towels and place them in the container and put the lid on tight. Flip container over and wait until towels are thoroughly saturated. Pull wipes from middle.

Happy wiping!

© 2003 by Michelle Shelton. All rights reserved

About the Author
Michelle Shelton is an author, parenting coach, parent consultant, acclaimed public speaker, and Arizona Real Estate Agent and parent educator. Michelle is the author of the well known column Life with all these Kids. Visit her web site www.boldtalent.com or contact her at 480-577-8272.