Parenting Babies, Toddlers & Teens

Posts Tagged ‘parents’

You ARE the five people you hang with.

About a year ago I was driving with my daughter. At the time she was 14 years old. She had most definitely gotten the lions share of personal growth over the years. The reason I want to share this with you is because it is the philosophy I teach. You know the line I use…be the change you want to see in your children because your children will be who you are…yeah…that line.

So, we are driving and my daughter is telling me about her day and she starts telling me about one of her close friends. She seems concerned. She said the girl has a lot of problems at home and she seems sad about her parents. I ask her what the deal is with her parents. She explains that they live together yet they fight all the time and don’t really like each other. Apparently the dad has a girlfriend. I continued to be a good listener.

She went on to say that the girl seemed to be “dating” and hanging out with alot of boys recently and she was doing “stuff” with the boys. I asked her what “stuff” and she just said, “you know, stuff.” I decided not to push it.

She seemed concerned yet not super attached to this girl and her situation. I saw this as healthy. I could see she was looking at the situation as a whole to decide what she wanted from the friendship. I was proud of her. I could see her problem solving showing at such a high level. She seemed to be concerned about her friend yet, realized she had no control over her friends decisions. It wasn’t about her.

Finally I said, “What are you going to do?”

She tipped her head a bit and said, “I have already talked to her about it. She isn’t listening to me.” She stated.

She then continued. “You know…you are the five people you hang out with, so, she is free to make her choices.”

She paused as if she was thinking about it. “I don’t think I will have her in my circle though. I will wish her well and keep going. That is not what I want in my life. I’m not mad at her or anything, I just don’t want that.” She stopped and turned to look at me.

“Wow. You are an awesome kid.” I said.

“Thanks mom.” She said.

That was it! There was no more talk about it. No drama. It was interesting to me. She didn’t feel bad about herself for not pursuing a relationship that she could see wouldn’t work for her. She didn’t beat the girl up verbally. She didn’t feel a need to rescue her either. She saw her friend as capable of making a choice and she also saw herself capable of making a choice.

After years of work on myself, I know how long it took me to get this concept. Number one, people are always deciding if they want to play this game called life with me. Number two, I am also deciding if I want to play with them.

If you had asked me years ago if I operated from Win / Win, I would have said yes. What I have realized is that is not the truth. I often put myself last. I set it up so other people win and then I go victim to how I have set it up. I have taken from myself. I take the back seat and “give” of myself. The thing is…it isn’t really giving. It is taking from me. It is with an expectation. No one else will take care of me. I have to take care of me.

I realized that personal growth is what parents are really looking for. After all, you are the five people you hang out with. If I want my kids to be like me…I will want to grow me. I know because I did it with Emma.

Having the Sex Talk with your Pre-Teens? Yikes!
By Michelle Shelton

You want tips on talking to your preteens about sex? What if I told you don’t wait until they are preteens? There is a lot of risk in talking to them early as you will see in this article. However, this method has worked well. I have five children and it has worked with every last one of them! This is one of those true stories that you might question. I was there. Much to my mortified dismay, it did happened. So if you are willing to take a risk, these may be the best tips yet to talking to your preteen about sex.

So, my first question to you is this, do you know the difference between a peenie and a jina? I am not even sure how to spell it. Perhaps it would be Gyna? None the less, my two year old son knew how to say it and he did not mind sharing it with the world! I was one of those parents that insisted on honestly with the children all the way through their childhood, starting at birth.

How do some people spend time with their children from the time they are born and yet thie topic of sex doesn’t come up in conversation? How exactly does that work? Or perhaps some parents just avoid the topic altogether and change the subject when it does come up because they are not willing to get creative? No matter what it is, it is my opinion that sex is not something that difficult to talk about WHEN you start talking to them about it when they are very young. I didn’t avoid answering sex questions with my children so I don’t know the answer for you. I only know it for me.

From the time all five of my kids were toddlers we talked about sex. Well…sort of. It was right in line with everything else they were taught.

For the boys, it was proper aiming at the Cheerios I threw in the toilet and then said, “Sink em boys”.

I always have thought a boys’ aim in life is highly important. Especially when I am the boys mother that cleans up after missed targets! For the girls it was showing them feminine products and explaining to them how women have babies and periods.

When my dad had open heart surgery in 1992, my mom, sister, young daughter, two young boys and me spent a lot of time in the waiting room. As we became more comfortable in the waiting room, we sort of made it our own. We moved chairs in obtuse angles and rolled out the portable playpen. Soon, the waiting room seemed like “our room” and we became engrossed in our own little world and conversations.

My son Phillip was about 23 months old and talking pretty good. His brother was a newborn. Phillip toddled around the room and as my sister and I were having a conversation, I overheard Phillip’s small voice, quite boldly, behind me saying, “You gotta PEENIE, you gotta GYNA, you gotta GYNA, GYNA, PEENIE, PEENIE, GYNA. At first I was sort of shocked as I turned around and noticed eight or nine other people sitting in a row of chairs behind us. There was Phillip walking in front of them giving them his toddler version of anatomy.

He would walk in front of a woman, stop, look up at her and touch her knee lightly and then boldly announce, “GYNA.” and then he would walk on and continue the process with the next seated individual. I don’t know who was having more fun, the elderly observers receiving the anatomy lesson or Phillip himself. He danced like John Travolta when one woman smiled and said, “He is so smart. He knows all of our parts just by looking at us!”

You see, from the time Phillip was an infant I would teach him about the differences between men and women and what his parts would be used for when he was a daddy and how they would work. I taught him at his level of learning in simple language. I think I said something like, “When you grow up and you become a daddy, you get to cuddle in a special way with your wife and put a baby inside her body. Boys and daddies have penises and girls and mommies have vagina’s. As he grew he would ask deeper questions. I would give him deeper answers, the answers he needed, when he needed it. It is my opinion that there is no cookie cutter way to do this as some children don’t ask as many questions. Some children simply don’t ask questions that often. It is totally based on the individual child and their level of curiosity.

One thing I do remember was living in Nebraska my grandmother always grew the big, round pink flowers called Peonies. One day Phillip was a bit confused when I mentioned the big, round Peonies growing in her yard in front of her home.

He said, “Do GYNAS grow in the yard too?”

That question took some creative explaining on my part. His fears were quickly eased with my answer and all was good once again in his active little mind.

Another incident happened while waiting at Target to get photos of the kids. At the time I only had Marie and my sons Phillip and Sam. I was pregnant with Josephine, who is number four. It had been a long and stressful day with all the kids and being pregnant didn’t help. There were mothers spitting on their hands and wiping their children’s hair into place. There were crying babies, wild toddlers and frustrated amateur photographers running around the waiting room.

Marie is my oldest and she always has been quite on top of things when it comes to being in tune to adults conversations about grown up stuff. I suspect what happened next was the consequence of some such adult conversation she had overheard previously. The longer we waited and the more the woman next to me wiped her babies green, boogered nose, it was apparent I was getting quite annoyed. At least it must have been because Marie, who had run to the other side of the room to look at picture frames, quickly turned around and looked at me and loudly yelled, “Mom, is this one of those days you wanna get your tubes tied?” To say I was mortified is an understatement.

So, as a mother to five, nearly grown children, my advice to you is this…don’t wait until your kids are almost a teenager before you have the sex talks. Teach them about their bodies and all their working parts their entire life and neither of you will have anxiety when your kids reach their awkward stage. Once you choose to have the talks, one word of caution: Stay out of waiting rooms where you will be idle for long periods of time and if you must wait with others, be ready for what could come out of your child’s mouth!

Empathetic or Sympathetic? What kind of a parent are you?
by Michelle Shelton

You are responsible for your children’s health in many different forms, spiritual, physical, mental, emotional and behavioral. As parents, we have to cover a lot of ground and not get too caught up in the total protection of our children at all times. On the other hand you don’t want to neglect your children and expose them to unnecessary dangers either. You know, being a parent is hard work and it is a fine line that we must walk all the time.

Different people handle situations differently. When your child is facing a problem how do you handle the situation? Do you consider yourself sympathetic to their problems? If so, you may be a sympathetic parent or you may be an empathetic parent. Do you know the difference between empathetic and sympathetic? Most of us probably have not given it a lot of thought. Allow me to explain the difference and than decide if you are a sympathetic parent or an empathetic parent. One of these is very damaging to your children. Do you know which one?

Think about this, if your child fell into an old abandon well and you heard his cries, you would naturally run to the well and peer in. Your child would be very frightened in the dark and he may be injured, he could even die! As a good parent you of course want to help your child right away.

Now, if you are sympathetic you share the exact same feelings as your child. You are frightened and you can easily become traumatized when you look at the situation as a whole. As a matter of fact, a sympathetic parent would jump right into that well with the child and become part of the problem! Now there are two people in the well suffering with little hope. This is not a good way to be and it stems from parenting with your emotions. It produces children that are very dependent and insecure. They don’t learn effective problem solving and as they get older their lessons are severe because they tend to make decisions on their emotions.

An empathetic parent on the other hand, understands how the child must be extremely frightened and knows that the child might be injured and could die if something is not done quickly. As a matter of fact, an empathetic parent would look around and decide the fastest and most efficient way to get the child out of the well. An empathetic parent does not become part of the child’s problem; he becomes part of the solution. This is a great way to parent. When you become part of the solution for your children and you will become a partner in problem solving, a teacher, a mentor, a friend.

© 2003 by Michelle Shelton. All rights reserved
Michelle Shelton is an Author, Parenting Coach, Parent Consultant, Public Speaker, and Parent Educator. Michelle is the author of the well known column ‘Life with all these Kids’. Visit her web site www.myahha.com or www.boldtalent.com and you can contact her at 480-577-8272.