Parenting Babies, Toddlers & Teens

You ARE the five people you hang with.

About a year ago I was driving with my daughter. At the time she was 14 years old. She had most definitely gotten the lions share of personal growth over the years. The reason I want to share this with you is because it is the philosophy I teach. You know the line I use…be the change you want to see in your children because your children will be who you are…yeah…that line.

So, we are driving and my daughter is telling me about her day and she starts telling me about one of her close friends. She seems concerned. She said the girl has a lot of problems at home and she seems sad about her parents. I ask her what the deal is with her parents. She explains that they live together yet they fight all the time and don’t really like each other. Apparently the dad has a girlfriend. I continued to be a good listener.

She went on to say that the girl seemed to be “dating” and hanging out with alot of boys recently and she was doing “stuff” with the boys. I asked her what “stuff” and she just said, “you know, stuff.” I decided not to push it.

She seemed concerned yet not super attached to this girl and her situation. I saw this as healthy. I could see she was looking at the situation as a whole to decide what she wanted from the friendship. I was proud of her. I could see her problem solving showing at such a high level. She seemed to be concerned about her friend yet, realized she had no control over her friends decisions. It wasn’t about her.

Finally I said, “What are you going to do?”

She tipped her head a bit and said, “I have already talked to her about it. She isn’t listening to me.” She stated.

She then continued. “You know…you are the five people you hang out with, so, she is free to make her choices.”

She paused as if she was thinking about it. “I don’t think I will have her in my circle though. I will wish her well and keep going. That is not what I want in my life. I’m not mad at her or anything, I just don’t want that.” She stopped and turned to look at me.

“Wow. You are an awesome kid.” I said.

“Thanks mom.” She said.

That was it! There was no more talk about it. No drama. It was interesting to me. She didn’t feel bad about herself for not pursuing a relationship that she could see wouldn’t work for her. She didn’t beat the girl up verbally. She didn’t feel a need to rescue her either. She saw her friend as capable of making a choice and she also saw herself capable of making a choice.

After years of work on myself, I know how long it took me to get this concept. Number one, people are always deciding if they want to play this game called life with me. Number two, I am also deciding if I want to play with them.

If you had asked me years ago if I operated from Win / Win, I would have said yes. What I have realized is that is not the truth. I often put myself last. I set it up so other people win and then I go victim to how I have set it up. I have taken from myself. I take the back seat and “give” of myself. The thing is…it isn’t really giving. It is taking from me. It is with an expectation. No one else will take care of me. I have to take care of me.

I realized that personal growth is what parents are really looking for. After all, you are the five people you hang out with. If I want my kids to be like me…I will want to grow me. I know because I did it with Emma.